Friendly Spam

Today I got a 'friendly spam', that is, spam sent by a friend who doesn't realize that he/she is technically spamming. Some people like to call it 'forwarding', but I just call a Spam a Spam.
It started out...

"20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
... ... 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile It's Called! Therapy"

When I hit number six, I remembered that when I was a freshman I used to write "for oral sodomy" on my checks - who sees those things except people like me? (I worked a summer job processing checks once for Bank of America)....but the tameness inspired me to write my own 'ways to keep a healthy level of insanity'....


Dear (Spamming Friend)

That's pretty tame. I'm working on a list of whammy's I like to do from time to time.

Something like....

1. create a little shrine in your workspace, but on the altar put oddly shaped twigs, small pebbles, or bits of lint. Pretend to worship them from time to time, make sure to appease your 'gods' with Starbucks or whatever offerings are at hand. The adding of celebrity photos, condom wrappers, used theater tickets and other detritus of modern living can only increase the weirdness quotient. If anyone asks you what the meaning of it is, just glare at them for a long time in silence, then say "you wouldn't understand" and walk away.

2. Always write in check boxes that say "Sex M F"....circle one of them and make an arrow to your current gender. (that's only if you're tired of writing "Yes, Please!) over the top of it. You can also scratch both the M and the F and replace them with a question mark in the middle.

3. Whenever people relate some information to you, respond quickly with "Is that what they told you to tell me?" and then quickly change the subject.

4. Always leave a lit cigarette in the fingers of mannequins you happen to be passing by, so it looks like they are having a smoke.

5. Always tease children and tell them crazy exxagerations to test their sense of reality. Tell them you have a neighbor with a talking cat, or whatever you can come up with. It makes them stronger, and prepares their minds for the crap to come, and helps you to be more childlike.

6.

7. Always leave an item blank on the list, to annoy the obsessive types.

10. Make sure to skip a few numbers, too, and getting them out of order can seriously derange some people.

8. When people are telling you long stories, take out a small black book from time to time and make mysterious check marks in it, nodding as if you have confirmed a theory about them as you are listening to them. If asked what the book contains, tell them it is something involving your shrine. Always maintain the book completely empty and leave it laying around. (bonus if you tear a few pages out at random)

9. Only respond to these kind of friendly spams if they seriously inspire you.





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